Saturday, March 14, 2009

I cried so hard God; I begged my tears to wash me away. I tired so hard God; I hid away, in a dark dark place.

Today we had a prayer service for Bryan Barrow one of the students from our youth group. I didn’t know Bryan that well but his brother Eric was a good friend of mine back in high school at Shawnee Mission East. When I first heard the news of Bryan it didn’t really affect me, but when all of his friends came to the prayer service I just broke down. Eric Bryan’s older brother was a friend of mine and my heart goes out for him and his family today. I was trying to put myself in Eric’s shoes. What would it feel like to lose my younger brother? When I imagined it I just started crying, and I couldn’t stop.
We prayed for him and people came and people left. Tim asked me to lock the student center up so I waited around until all the kids left. Ty Walters was the last student out and he was a good friend of Bryan’s. I told him,” If there is anything I can do just give me a call.” But what really could I do. These situations seem so helpless. It hurts so bad losing someone you love.
Last week I was hanging with a student at chipotle he pulled out his learners permit. He just turned 14 and had started to drive. Another part that really got me crying about this whole thing is just how many kids as youth pastors we pour into, and we pour into them the most important way. We encourage them with their walk with God. I just started thinking of all the kids that have gotten their license recently and what could happen at a moment notice. I have seen so many kids grow up over the past 4 years at Hillcrest. So young, and their lives so fragile. I started going through names in my head. John, Brady, Jeff, Molly, Emma, Anna, Caroline, the list goes on forever. If any of those kids passed away the pain would be so unbearable I wouldn’t know what to do. I just couldn’t stop crying. We have such a hard calling, being apart of these kids lives day in and day out. Everything I do in a week is to show them that I will be there for them. I go to games, concerts, fundraisers, bible studies. I watch them grow up and everyday become more invested in there lives. What would I do if one passed away? I couldn’t stop crying.
I was watching the news tonight with my roommate. He looked over at me and said,” You know tonight it’s just a normal Saturday night for most, but for Bryan’s family there life has drastically changed.” So true isn’t, one day living life without a care in the world, and the next moment it’s gone.
I know this is a really sad post and rightfully so, but there is some good news. God has saved some of us, and though it is hard when one of our friends pass on there is some comfort in knowing they are in heaven. I will blog about that in a few days. Heaven and how we can have some peace knowing that there is a place for us beyond this life.
This video I took about 30 minutes after the prayer service. I was in a lot of pain. This was a little song I had written a while back, and seemed fitting to the situation and how so many of us feel from time to time. It was really hard, so bare with me.

He are all the words I say in the video. I was crying off and on, so it was hard to understand at parts:
Umm…Bryan Barrow passed away today. We just had a prayer service here at the student center. I knew Eric (Bryan’s Brother) pretty well when he was younger. It’s just a really difficult thing…death. But what helps is crying sometimes.

I cried so hard God, I begged my tears to wash me away.
I tried so hard God, I hid away in a dark dark place.
I cried so hard God, I begged my tears to wash me away.

1 comment:

  1. Hey here are some encouraging comments people wrote on my facebook.

    Ralph Sweatte at 12:13am March 15 via Facebook Mobile
    thanks for being so open with your emotions and how this day affected you.

    Tom Willis at 7:08am March 15
    I'm there with you TJ. This is devastating. Our biggest challenge is reconciling the tragic loss of a great kid and the will of a sovereign loving God. Tears are the only way to get there.

    Karla Jo Ford at 9:01am March 15
    Thanks for sharing, TJ. Many are praying you and the Barrow family and friends through this. Death definitely has its sting, yet we take this also to the throne of grace. "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of one of His saints." It is also good to recognize that the Lord Jesus grieved when He heard that Lazarus died. Scripture says "Jesus wept." It is healing to shed those tears of grief. Karla